-- pathetic fallacy -- Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?

Saturday, December 20, 2003

a new beginning

new blog!!!!
www.esp3ranza.blogspot.com

-peaceout-

another typical day in the life of yours truly at 12:00 am
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Thursday, December 11, 2003

1 12 10 12

life is good.

'nuff said.

another typical day in the life of yours truly at 04:09 pm
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Wednesday, December 10, 2003

you are my melody

.:music | Phantom Of The Opera - Memory:.

I revamped my room today.... rearranged the furniture... which wasn't easy at all! I had soooo much crap lying around... although I just cleared out a lot of stuff recently. and my shelf was so heavy! now my mom keeps complaining that I left scratches all over the floor cos I pushed the bed and shelf around.. bleah. but I'm very happy with my room's new look! haha. It's a lot more roomy and cosy now. I could barely move around last time... but now there's so much more space I think I'm gonna get some shelves from Ikea and posters to jazz up my crib. x) damn I need more $$$$!!!!
been trying to find a job without much success. all the easy and temporary jobs are snapped up like hotcakes, and the other jobs require people with experience to commit for at least a few months while I can only work for 3 weeks.
so basically, I've been wasting a lot of time, as you can see. instead of working, I go shopping and waste money.... instead of doing my homework, I watch TV and read novels.... or I simply stare into space for hours. haha. I'm a successful underachiever. =P
oh yeah.... watched 2 movies last week.. Brother Bear and Love Actually..

BROTHER BEAR rockssssss! EVERYONE should watch it. It's a CRIME not to watch that movie!!!
haha.. seems like it's always the animated movies that are the most meaningful and heartwarming. nowadays most movies are so far-fetched and cliched. I have a sudden urge to watch Brother Bear again! Koda rocks my socks! haha.. he's just the cutest bear I've ever seen. they should do a movie about sisterhood too. ;)
Love Actually was pretty good too, it had many sweet and romantic moments that made me go awwwwww. haha. now I'm totally looking forward to watching Infernal Affairs 3 and LOTR on the 12th and 17th. weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
just a passing thought..
is it really impossible for love and pride to co-exist?
I'm greedy. I want both!

All things fall into place
My heart, it feels so safe
You are my melody
That's where you take me

With you I get so high
Lost in the crystal sky
You are this melody
That's where you take me

another typical day in the life of yours truly at 12:01 am
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Tuesday, December 09, 2003

what goes around comes around what goes up must come down

went shopping with serene today..
finally changed my naval ring! it cost a bomb but it's just sooo pretty. x) guess that shall be my xmas present for myself this year. haha.. bought a gift for HY too. I can't wait for christmas. I have a feeling it's gonna be great this year. 16 days to go! hahah the world is so freaking small. serene and I saw siqi TWICE while we were in town. I had a lot of fun today... but my feet are aching now. >_< gonna recuperate at home tomorrow.... though I'm still tempted to go out.
i'm feeling kinda down right now.. not sure why. damn. mixed emotions stirring within me. I hate the way I keep contradicting myself. I feel so lost and small all of a sudden. I don't know what I want anymore.... not even the thought of X can cheer me up tonight.
why is it so hard to do the right thing?
I always say... follow your heart..
but sometimes your heart takes you to places you shouldn't be..
and sometimes I just can't seem to follow it. I'm too weak.

another typical day in the life of yours truly at 01:38 am
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Saturday, December 06, 2003

it's over

wheeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!
hahah I'm in the library now with sista and abang...
I only get to use this for 30 mins so I'm gonna make it short and sweet. I just borrowed another 2 novels by Judith Krantz! :) gonna read in bed when I get home later. This is the life!!
SATs finally over! no more exams for the rest of this year. soooo glad I'm free from PW, Chinese, SATs now.. at least I THINK I am free.. haha.. unless I did really badly then I hafta do them again. I'm hoping to get a minimum of 1300 for the SATs. *keeps her fingers crossed*
I was so tired during the exam I fell asleep.. lol..fortunately, I managed to complete all 7 sections in time.
argh this keyboard is so screwed up.
oh my.. I just realised how pathetic we are. we just took an exam and here we are in the library surrounded by books again.....
anyway these 2 guys are sooooo listless and lethargic!!! they're no fun to be with! haha.. this is such an insult. seems like they're bored cos of me. =P nvm.. I'm having fun!! hahaha. I'm so easily amused. heh.
okay charging is gonna commence in 15 minutes so I better go now.... no way am I gonna pay for something I can do at home! we're gonna parttttyyyy till we drop now! (yeah right) hahahahaaaa
ttfn.

another typical day in the life of yours truly at 09:29 pm
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Thursday, December 04, 2003

surreal

.:music | Alicia Keys - Karma:.

I packed my room today! wheeee.. it looks really nice and neat now. x) it was actually pretty fun! lol.. found a lot of stuff I'd forgotten about... postcards... bookmarks.. even expired samples of beauty products. lol. I threw out a whole load of junk.. it's kinda like a cleansing ritual for me. felt like I was throwing out all the bad stuff in my life.. now I feel clean and organised. :D haha look at me getting all excited about cleaning my room. I seriously need to get a life. so.. right now I have 2 empty drawers and I can't think of anything to put in them. ok enough about my room.
went to the bank in the evening to help my mommy deposit some cash into her account... went shopping at northpoint after that. bought alicia keys' latest album. it's freaking awesome!!! her voice.. the songs.. the lyrics.. everything rocks. I'm so glad I bought it.
xmas in 3 weeks! I'm really excited. looks like I'll have to start shopping for gifts after taking SATS. gotta start writing in those xmas cards I bought too. I'm not sure if I should get gifts for all my friends or just get stuff for people I'm gonna see on xmas day... haha. cos it wouldn't seem very nice to buy gifts for only some friends and leave out the rest.. on the other hand, if I try to be fair and get gifts for everyone, I'm gonna be dead broke unless I get everyone a bookmark or something. lol.
flooch left singapore today! haah I just talked to him on msn.. he's in taipei now. I was pretty shocked to see that he was online. Didn't know he was gonna stay at his uncle's place. anyways. he's gonna be there till february!!! I'm so jealous. I could use a 3 month break right now. I can't believe we have to take an exam in december. :S this doesn't feel like a holiday at all.

21 days to xmas. x)

another typical day in the life of yours truly at 12:38 am
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Wednesday, December 03, 2003

let go

.:music | Sarah Brightman & Andrea Bocelli - Time To Say Goodbye:.

When I'm alone I dream of the horizon and words fail me.
There is no light in a room where there is no sun
and there is no sun if you're not here with me, with me.
From every window unfurls my heart the heart that you have won.
Into me you've poured the light,
the light that you found by the side of the road.

Time to say goodbye. [With you I will leave.]
Places that I've never seen or experienced with you.
Now I shall, I'll sail with you upon ships across the seas,
seas that exist no more,
it's time to say goodbye. [with you I will live there.]

When you're far away I dream of the horizon and words fail me.
And of course I know that you're with me, with me.
You, my moon, you are with me.
My sun, you're here with me with me, with me, with me.

Time to say goodbye. [With you I will leave.]
Places that I've never seen or experienced with you.
Now I shall, I'll sail with you upon ships across the seas
seas that exist no more

I'll revive them with you.
I'll go with you upon ships across the seas,
seas that exist no more,
I'll revive them with you.
I'll go with you.
You and me.

another typical day in the life of yours truly at 12:31 am
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niki.

.:music | Alicia Keys - Why Do I Feel So Sad:.

Niki's birthday today.
happy birthday niki.. wherever you are..
it's been 2 years and 7 months... I still miss you.
miss all the walks we had
miss the times when you would fall asleep beside me when I did my homework in front of the TV.
miss the way you ran
miss the way you whined
miss the way you stared at me
miss the feeling of hugging you holding you kissing you

miss the way your fur felt
miss the way you would roll over
miss the belly rubs
miss the licks
miss that little tail of yours...
miss the way you would climb onto the sofa to stare at us eating
miss your barks
miss the way you leaned on me to stretch after a nap
miss the little white streak of fur between your eyes
miss your paws
miss your little nose
miss the anticipation I felt everyday on the way home from school,
knowing someone was waiting for me
knowing someone loved me
and that I was everything to that someone
that I alone could make him happy

you ran away once...
you slipped out
but I found you
do u still remember... that I said sorry, that I would never take you for granted again?
I didn't keep that promise..
I neglected you
sometimes I didn't feel like bringing you for walks
even though I knew it was important to you
I don't deserve you
I placed my own happiness above yours.
is that why you ran away again?

do u still remember
on the morning of the day you went away
25 April 2001 Wednesday
you were looking at me
while I drank a glass of milk
do u remember
before I left I gave you a hug
and I kissed you
and I made a promise to myself again
that I would cherish you more and spend more time with you?
I didn't get the chance to do that

I remember on that fateful day
as I walked jauntily home
with that carton of orange juice and box of raisin bran
I knew something was wrong the minute I saw the open door
my heart skipped a beat
I tried to deceive myself
but I knew
deep in my heart
"niki is gone. he doesn't know the way home."
i held back the tears
I knew I had to be strong
I ran out of the house and searched the neighbourhood for hours
but you were nowhere to be found
I'm sorry.
when I got home i finally broke down and wept for hours
it felt like it was the end of the world
nothing tasted good for days
maybe... if I hadn't bought food on the way home..
I would've gotten home in time
maybe... if I hadn't stayed back for chemistry on that day..
I would've made it home in time..
maybe... if I'd loved you more..
you wouldn't have ran away
maybe... maybe... maybe..
I'm sorry.
why am I crying?
is it because I love you or are these tears of guilt?
or am I indulging in self-pity again?
I don't know.
but I know I'm sorry
and wherever you may be..
I hope you're very happy
I don't deserve you.
I'm sorry.

another typical day in the life of yours truly at 12:19 am
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Monday, December 01, 2003

1.20

.:music | Ludacris - Stand Up:.

had a freaking awesome day!!!!!!

words are maddeningly inadequate to describe the way I feel.
thank you thank you thank you thank you

another typical day in the life of yours truly at 09:56 pm
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Sunday, November 30, 2003

sweet intoxication

.:music | Phantom Of The Opera - Music Of The Night:.

omigod I had the best night EVERR!
hahaha... I have a smile plastered to my face..
and I keep chuckling to myself...
I look like a retard...
BUT I DON'T CARE!
hahahaha... x)
I'm so happy I'm gonna hug and kiss the next person I see!!!!! ahhhhhh...
too bad everyone's asleep.
ok.. this is getting lame.
I think I'm gonna smile even in my sleep later.
I know it ain't a big deal... but I'm still elated.

Can't help it.. when one begins to lose hope.. anything good that happens is magnified and clung on to like a precious jewel. cos there's nothing else to hold on to.. I have to cling on to every ray of hope, no matter how small. sad, I know.
I have to keep reminding myself not to be too happy.. because the higher you fly.. the harder you fall.
yep. don't wanna fly up to heaven and plunge back down into hell. I've done that too many times.
I'm still smiling.. lol .. guess it's a good thing nobody else is awake. *beams*
somebody slap me! ahahas. I'm like delirious right now. I don't even know what I'm doing.. I was supposed to get something from the kitchen.... but I was so busy thinking and smiling to myself that I kept forgetting what I was supposed to do there.. so I walked back and forth for at least 5 times before I realised I wanted to go to the bathroom. haha.
only cpc can understand why I feel this way cos like me, she's a masochist too. lol.
we derive pleasure from the strangest things. haha. eh hem... FYI.. I'm NOT talking about sexual gratification. haha.
ok I'm beginning to calm down.. haha

I look more sane now.
I'm thinking of working during december. in dire need of more moolah to support my spending habits. I'm a compulsive shopper! tsk tsk.
went for a swim just now... I was the last one to leave the place again. The lifeguards look creepy. :S
sigh. this song is so achingly beautiful. would be nice to have a bf who can sing like that... haha. fat hope. =P
ooh.. Flooch is coming to singapore!! can't wait to see my pooch. x)

Night-time sharpens,
heightens each sensation ...
Darkness stirs and
wakes imagination ...
Silently the senses
abandon thier defences ...

Slowly, gently
night unfurls its splendour ...
Grasp it, sense it -
tremulous and tender ...
Turn your face away
from the garish light of day,
turn your thoughts away
from cold, unfeeling light -
and listen to
the music of the night ...

Close your eyes
and surrender to your
darkest dreams!
Purge your thoughts
of the life
you knew before!
Close your eyes,
let your spirits
start to soar!
And you'll live
as you've never
lived before ...

Softly, deftly,
music shall surround you ...
Feel it, hear it,
closing in around you ...
Open up your mind,
let your fantasies unwind,
in this darkness which
you know you cannot fight -
the darkness of
the music of the night.

Let your mind
start a journey through a
strange, new world!
Leave all thoughts
of the world
you knew before!
Let your soul
Take you where you
long to be!
Only then
can you belong
to me ...

Floating, falling,
sweet intoxication!
Touch me, trust me,
savour each sensation!
Let the dream begin,
let your darker side give in
to the power of
the music that I write -
the power of
the music of the night ...

You alone
can make my song take flight -
help me make the music of the night ...

another typical day in the life of yours truly at 12:46 am
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